He hits me out of love

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Illustration of a Husband Beating His Wife

A while ago, I was on duty when a lady came in with complaints of headache. Headache is usually a very simple yet complex symptom. It may mean nothing, and it may be ominous. She was poorly dressed, yet well spoken. I remember, she kept holding her head. The first doctor who saw her had noted that she had an argument with her husband, leading to a fight. She didn’t have any obvious injuries, so he gave her pain relievers and let her go.

She kept coming back and by the 3rd visit, we were tired of the drama. Usually, she came with a female relative of hers who kept bad mouthing the husband loudly. Her husband accompanied them 1 day and things almost got out of hand. Also, finances were an issue and everyone was trying to keep her bills low, since the man would not pay a dime.

One day, she came back complaining of the headache again. I asked for details of the fight and she said he had hit her head against the wall. I asked her if she could ask him to pay for her to get a CT scan. Partly, my motive was to punish him, as it had been about a week. No one believed anything sinister was going on. She returned to say that he refused to pay and her relative had done all she could. This lady emptied her savings account to pay for that scan. It was then I knew she was really in pain. She was a civil servant, earning peanuts in a very demanding job.

Her scan showed intracranial hemorrhage. We were shocked that she had been bleeding for 1 week and no one noticed. She had no alterations in consciousness, or behaviour, or any other sign. Immediately, we referred her to a neurosurgeon, hoping against hope, that people would band together to offset her bills. We never heard from her again. That experience taught me never to disregard any symptom, even at the risk of crying “wolf”.

A number of women are in abusive relationships, some men too. Domestic violence is a no no. You cannot love anyone more than you love yourself. If your life is under threat, you need to seek help.

Another story which I read of in a magazine, reported as a true story, buttresses my point. A lady had lived with her abusive husband for years. One day, during the usual beating, her nanny ran out and called the lady’s brother to intervene. When he came in and dragged her husband off her, she ran out. The man ended up dead. Her brother insisted it was an accident, the man’s family insisted it was intentional. Her brother was remanded in prison for murder. The late husband’s family fleeced her of millions as compensation, but refused to drop the case. As at when she told the story, he was still in custody, and the dead man unburied.

To you precious lady, he loves you, right? He always apologizes, he buys you gifts to make up, he says it’s the devil, he does it to correct you, he’s only being the man? Will you consider the effect of your decision to endanger your life on others? Your children? Your family? Your friends? They don’t know him like you do, they don’t love him like you do. You can’t expect them to understand that seeing you in tears with bruises and cuts, turns him on? They may foolishly try to defend you and get into trouble.

Please, I appeal to you, to find a safe house. An NGO, church, or a friend to stay with temporarily. He can get psychiatric help in the mean time. You can thank me later. You are only dating, and he siezes your phone, sniffs your underwear to know if you are cheating, flogs you with a cane (these are real women I have met); if you marry him, you will end up in th lagoon. You won’t even get a decent burial.

Brothers, no matter how much a lady provokesyou, learn to take a walk to cool off. If you find yourself developing tremors when angry and so on, seek help. Also, stop the substance abuse. You don’t want to end up in jail because you were trying to teach someone’s daughter a lesson. If a lady is abusive to you, cut off from her. Don’t let her push you to the wall.

Finally, if a friend confides in you about such a situation, advise her to let others know. Please don’t try to intervene yourself as you may be caught in the crossfire. Let it come out in th open, so you don’t become a target. Live wisely, circumspectly, for as the bible says “Be angry and sin not”. Cheers


7 thoughts on “He hits me out of love

    tenderonii said:
    January 27, 2014 at 5:12 pm

    lol….@flogs you with a cane,..end up in a lagoon, not getting a decent burial. Wow…again this same topic on the blogsphere..this is serious ooh.
    I want to believe that people see and hear about real life scenarios like this. If not for low self esteem, and foolishness of not knowing how to differentiate between LOVE and STUPIDITY, why would any sane woman or man go through domestic violence especially as a single. I know the married ones do not really have much they can avoid being that they’re already joined as one, there should not be any tolerance whatsoever for issues like this.
    Pls let’s hear to do, just like the bible says about the hearer of the word and the doer, it is only the doer of the word that is blessed. So, pls woman or man, when you hear or read messages like this, like what we have on this great post, jump into action, make the necessary changes, don’t just say ok. Biko, its your life we are talking about. The post says it all,..the HOW to get out of it is also included. ACTION TIME
    Thank you Dr. N for yet another informative post. I truly appreciate you. God bless you and keep shining this Light towards us and your world.

      drnsmusings responded:
      January 27, 2014 at 6:37 pm

      Thank u dear. Such people ended up there because of d same xter trait that keeps them there. If u encounter them, u will be surprised how normal they look. A no of them suffered some childhood abuse that cripples them emotionally

    imperfectlyperfect92 said:
    January 29, 2014 at 11:52 pm

    pls preach o Dr N, pls do.we’ll try our best and talk and pray God waters our words and make them grow,Amen

    niki said:
    February 1, 2014 at 4:10 pm

    Thanks again doc for this informative piece.
    How would you describe emotional abuse?

      drnsmusings responded:
      February 2, 2014 at 1:21 pm

      You are no good, I picked u out of the gutter, where would u be without me? Preventing you from going out with friends. Any behaviour that keeps u constantly unhappy or changes your bubbly personality, I will call emotional abuse

        niki said:
        February 2, 2014 at 10:57 pm

        Ok doc, thanks! I think the line gets blurry sometimes as i know friends that have experienced this

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