A reader threw me this challenge and I decided to step up to the plate. I don’t consider myself worthy to counsel anyone on marriage because I have only been married about 5 years. The single ladies would probably have heard so much about this, and it is the men who should do the chasing. However, I will share a bit of how I chose my own husband. No, he’s not perfect, but, I think I made a great choice. Choosing a husband is like choosing a career, a tailor, a car, and so on. You didn’t know? Well, now you know. You would look out for some qualities in a car before buying. I doubt you would rely on how sexy you felt sitting inside it in the car shop, would you? No, you are too smart to do that.
I don’t really like talking about domestic violence because, it makes me sad. Besides, the victims don’t need encouragement. They need to be rescued. Most times, they lack the will to walk away. Someone has to extend a hand, and a shelter, to give them the courage they need. As a young unmarried girl, I was on duty when a man and a lady came in. She had bruises that were obviously inflicted on her. I asked her who was responsible and she turned and pointed at her companion. I was shocked! I thought he was a caring neighbour who rescued her! When I got rid of him, she told me he was a boyfriend who hit her in the course of an argument.
“Do you depend on him? Do you have kids for him?”, I asked.
“No!”, she replied.
“So, what do you plan to do? This one that he followed you here, it is obvious he is trying to show remorse”
“I don’t think I can continue with him”
“Don’t you love him? You better stick with him! Husbands are scarce. We need the income. Next time they bring you in, you will need surgery, and our bill will be fantastic”
“God forbid!”, she spat.
“My dear, you had better use your tongue to count your teeth. You are not married to him. Advise yourself”
Honestly, you needed to see the guy. Fair in an unnerving way (I feel uncomfortable around guys who look like they bleach), plump, beady- eyed, and sweaty. I doubt I would go out with him.
Who is a husband? A husband is a gardner, he spends his life tending his garden (you), and reaps at harvest time. What I looked out for.
1. God’s opinion. I know you expected to hear, Is he a Christian? Not every Christian will be a husband. Paul and Jesus never married. That means you should have cultivated the habit of leaning on God’s opinion in other matters. One day, I quarrelled with my to-be husband. I told him it was over. He begged and begged, but I held out to punish him. His friends got angry and told him to give them the go ahead to procure dozens of prettier girls than me, but he refused. One day God told me “This boy is my son, don’t hurt him” That was the end of the matter. So ask yourself, what does God think of this guy? He may not speak audibly, but you will sense his approval.
2. How he handles his sexual urge. I needed someone who not only practices abstinence, but had been at it before we met. Also, he had to have a godly method for handling sexual urges. Masturbation, pornography, sex toys, didn’t count. I read of a virgin, whose boyfriend told her he sleeps with other girls, in order to “reserve” her! Whaaaaat!
3. His Family. The way he treats his family. He had to love, respect, and be generous to them. At the same time, it was his duty, to protect me from them. He had to convince them he could not live without me and anyone who loves him must love me too or even more. I had to come first.
4. What people say about him. The opinion of his friends, colleagues, schoolmates, and even family, matters. In unguarded moments, someone will allow information to slip. This is how you’ll find out the guy has a child he’s been hiding, or that he used to beat his exes. If even 1 person has a negative thing to say, investigate it thoroughly, before labelling him “hater”.
5. Finances. It was important to me to marry a man who was not yet rich. I always wanted to be able to say “When we met, you had nothing”. That must not always be the case though. You need to ensure that he knows the secret of money. Spending little to get much, tithing, helping the needy, not borrowing or lending unnecessarily, and budgeting. If you marry a man you have to teach to budget, you will always be in debt.
6. Love for the Lord. I needed a man so passionate about Jesus, that it showed. One who loves going to church, sowing, praying and so on. He should be the priest of the home. I had no intention ofbeing the one dragging him to church, praying over the kids, e.t.c..
7. Opinion of women. This is a sore point for me. What do the ladies who have worked with him say? Is he courteous? Any man who puts women down is a no no for me. He had to believe in my equality with him, so that when I submit to him, he will see it as a privilege, not a right. And I intended to submit endlessly, so it had to be appreciated.
8. How he treats me. It goes without saying, that I had to feel like a princess in his presence. Once, we attended a wedding together. My sister commented on how he only had eyes for me though we were not married and a bevy of ladies were dancing past in church. He actually had to crane his neck back to look at me, as he was the best man, and I was at the back.
There are so many other qualities, but I think those were the deal breakers. The rest I could compromise on. Like helping around the house,being good with kids, self-grooming, and so on. God being a perfectionist, gave me those and more. Today, I urge you not to believe there are 2 kinds of husband, good and bad. There is only 1; Husband. Any other is an impostor. Let them remain single and devote their energy to other pursuits.
Dear single, beautiful lady, if he finds you, be his queen, nourish him and lift him up. God will reward you. If there seems to be a delay, and you think you are ready, ask God what you are missing. There may be a small piece you need to add to the puzzle to make it a lovely picture. All the best, Dr. N