How to choose a husband.

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A reader threw me this challenge and I decided to step up to the plate. I don’t consider myself worthy to counsel anyone on marriage because I have only been married about 5 years. The single ladies would probably have heard so much about this, and it is the men who should do the chasing. However, I will share a bit of how I chose my own husband. No, he’s not perfect, but, I think I made a great choice. Choosing a husband is like choosing a career, a tailor, a car, and so on. You didn’t know? Well, now you know. You would look out for some qualities in a car before buying. I doubt you would rely on how sexy you felt sitting inside it in the car shop, would you? No, you are too smart to do that.

I don’t really like talking about domestic violence because, it makes me sad. Besides, the victims don’t need encouragement. They need to be rescued. Most times, they lack the will to walk away. Someone has to extend a hand, and a shelter, to give them the courage they need. As a young unmarried girl, I was on duty when a man and a lady came in. She had bruises that were obviously inflicted on her. I asked her who was responsible and she turned and pointed at her companion. I was shocked! I thought he was a caring neighbour who rescued her! When I got rid of him, she told me he was a boyfriend who hit her in the course of an argument.

“Do you depend on him? Do you have kids for him?”, I asked.

“No!”, she replied.

“So, what do you plan to do? This one that he followed you here, it is obvious he is trying to show remorse”

“I don’t think I can continue with him”

“Don’t you love him? You better stick with him! Husbands are scarce. We need the income. Next time they bring you in, you will need surgery, and our bill will be fantastic”

“God forbid!”, she spat.

“My dear, you had better use your tongue to count your teeth. You are not married to him. Advise yourself”

Honestly, you needed to see the guy. Fair in an unnerving way (I feel uncomfortable around guys who look like they bleach), plump, beady- eyed, and sweaty. I doubt I would go out with him.

Who is a husband? A husband is a gardner, he spends his life tending his garden (you), and reaps at harvest time. What I looked out for.

1. God’s opinion. I know you expected to hear, Is he a Christian? Not every Christian will be a husband. Paul and Jesus never married. That means you should have cultivated the habit of leaning on God’s opinion in other matters. One day, I quarrelled with my to-be husband. I told him it was over. He begged and begged, but I held out to punish him. His friends got angry and told him to give them the go ahead to procure dozens of prettier girls than me, but he refused. One day God told me “This boy is my son, don’t hurt him” That was the end of the matter. So ask yourself, what does God think of this guy? He may not speak audibly, but you will sense his approval.

2. How he handles his sexual urge. I needed someone who not only practices abstinence, but had been at it before we met. Also, he had to have a godly method for handling sexual urges. Masturbation, pornography, sex toys, didn’t count. I read of a virgin, whose boyfriend told her he sleeps with other girls, in order to “reserve” her! Whaaaaat!

3. His Family. The way he treats his family. He had to love, respect, and be generous to them. At the same time, it was his duty, to protect me from them. He had to convince them he could not live without me and anyone who loves him must love me too or even more. I had to come first.

4. What people say about him. The opinion of his friends, colleagues, schoolmates, and even family, matters. In unguarded moments, someone will allow information to slip. This is how you’ll find out the guy has a child he’s been hiding, or that he used to beat his exes. If even 1 person has a negative thing to say, investigate it thoroughly, before labelling him “hater”.

5. Finances. It was important to me to marry a man who was not yet rich. I always wanted to be able to say “When we met, you had nothing”. That must not always be the case though. You need to ensure that he knows the secret of money. Spending little to get much, tithing, helping the needy, not borrowing or lending unnecessarily, and budgeting. If you marry a man you have to teach to budget, you will always be in debt.

6. Love for the Lord. I needed a man so passionate about Jesus, that it showed. One who loves going to church, sowing, praying and so on. He should be the priest of the home. I had no intention ofbeing the one dragging him to church, praying over the kids, e.t.c..

7. Opinion of women. This is a sore point for me. What do the ladies who have worked with him say? Is he courteous? Any man who puts women down is a no no for me. He had to believe in my equality with him, so that when I submit to him, he will see it as a privilege, not a right. And I intended to submit endlessly, so it had to be appreciated.

8. How he treats me. It goes without saying, that I had to feel like a princess in his presence. Once, we attended a wedding together. My sister commented on how he only had eyes for me though we were not married and a bevy of ladies were dancing past in church. He actually had to crane his neck back to look at me, as he was the best man, and I was at the back.

There are so many other qualities, but I think those were the deal breakers. The rest I could compromise on. Like helping around the house,being good with kids, self-grooming, and so on. God being a perfectionist, gave me those and more. Today, I urge you not to believe there are 2 kinds of husband, good and bad. There is only 1; Husband. Any other is an impostor. Let them remain single and devote their energy to other pursuits.

Dear single, beautiful lady, if he finds you, be his queen, nourish him and lift him up. God will reward you. If there seems to be a delay, and you think you are ready, ask God what you are missing. There may be a small piece you need to add to the puzzle to make it a lovely picture. All the best, Dr. N

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30 thoughts on “How to choose a husband.

    imperfectlyperfect92 said:
    March 15, 2014 at 8:58 am

    I couldn’t help but smile at the “he was craning his neck to look at me”..
    awww, so sweet.
    thanks for the tips Dr N, God will def give us amazing men after His own heart like yours, amen

    pynk said:
    March 15, 2014 at 9:21 am

    You are very right Dr. N. I am getting married in a few months and my partner isn’t perfect but he is my husband in many many ways.

      drnsmusings responded:
      March 15, 2014 at 11:27 am

      Many many wishes for joy in your marriage dear. Don’t I get an invite?

    tenderonii said:
    March 15, 2014 at 9:54 am

    WOW,..Great, I’m just smiling here….it’s really amazing to know that you followed God’s choice for you. Happiness is truly easy to enjoy. Just follow the set principles. God is good.
    Thanks ma’am for the tips,……we will come to you with testimonies of how we too followed God’s choice for us, in Jesus Name, Amen

    Gbanai Orukari said:
    March 15, 2014 at 9:55 am

    So right . In fact, just yesterday I was asking myself what attracted me to my fiancee. The truth is if I had to choose, I’m not sure I would have chose him. But girl, I’m so glad God kept him for me oh. He’s the best thing to have happened to me after my salvation. He’s all you talked about and so much more. I especially like the part where you said God gave you even the qualities you wouldn’t have minded. In fact, the way I put it is that God answered even those silent wishes of my heart that I never really prayed about. My conclusion, when God does it, it’s just perfect cos He makes all things beautiful in His time

      drnsmusings responded:
      March 15, 2014 at 11:34 am

      You’re engaged! What a lucky man! I need d scoop. Lol

    niki said:
    March 15, 2014 at 10:34 am

    Yay! You answered my question. Very sweet of you. I love that you have flexibility and structure. You listened to God instead of continually being stubborn when he spoke about him eventhough u might have been in the ‘right’. You trusted him to know best. I particularly ‘awwed’ at no 8. May God continue to bless your marriage and those babies.
    Another question: Are you done with childbearing? Don’t mind me, just being cheeky.
    lol

      drnsmusings responded:
      March 15, 2014 at 11:29 am

      Last baby on d way. Hahaha

    datingdilemma2014 said:
    March 15, 2014 at 11:50 am

    why not check my blog too, hopefully you can take away something good, and take the bad out. Enjoy. I really like your blog 🙂

      drnsmusings responded:
      March 15, 2014 at 12:00 pm

      On my way there. Thanks

    Presh said:
    March 16, 2014 at 12:59 pm

    Oh la la licious Dr N..You are too much..did I tell you that i love you and after reading this i said a silent prayer for you.Thank you for sharing this tips with us.

      drnsmusings responded:
      March 16, 2014 at 1:26 pm

      Why was d prayer silent na? Hope God heard? Lol. Thanks for d love

    Presh said:
    March 16, 2014 at 2:01 pm

    I read this post in a meeting so it would be absurd for me to shout nah…now i’m screaming the prayers..God bless you ma’am.

    Femmetotale said:
    March 19, 2014 at 9:24 pm

    I read this and commented earlier but kept having network failure… naija.
    Anyway, I really enjoyed this post especially number 6. Actually, I believe the words, God-fearing is now a cliche. We need men that are not only God-fearing but God-passionate, Gd-hearing and God-loving. I’m doing a post on this 😉

    My Proverbs 32 Man, Joseph | Femmetotale said:
    March 19, 2014 at 9:43 pm

    […] principles has to say about choosing a husband? You have to check out what she has to say yourself. Just Click here to read or follow the link, http://www.drnsmusings.wordpress.com The part that really struck me at first […]

    oge osuoha said:
    March 20, 2014 at 5:09 am

    Thanks Dr N, i love ur comments on Bella Naija. Thanks for this tips and pls pray for me that my own HUSBAND locate me soon.

      drnsmusings responded:
      March 20, 2014 at 7:23 am

      Oge’s husband be sharp about it! You are MIA.

    Sarafinabest said:
    March 22, 2014 at 5:04 pm

    Before I comment on your post, I will like to say reading your blog post had always been enlightening, informative and captivating. Your narrative skill is excellent. I just registered a blog but I am not sure of what I will be discussing on it but while I am on the search for that your blog will always keep my company. On the post, it is very insightful, I will be getting married in a some months time and I can say that I got much more than I ask of. Although he is not perfect (who wants a perfect spouse) but he complements me in all ways. Thanks for sharing these wonderful tips.

      drnsmusings responded:
      March 22, 2014 at 5:31 pm

      Thank u so much for that. May I suggest what to discuss on your blog? Whatever u are passionate about. Those stories your friends have heard over n over. If it is unique to u, everyone will want to hear it. Cheers

    nelly Arikpo said:
    March 28, 2014 at 9:12 am

    Hmmmm gurl! dis is rily a nice piece,an amazng eye opener at dat.Kip up & continue 2 explore ur talent.

      drnsmusings responded:
      March 28, 2014 at 9:48 am

      Smiles, chuckles, grins. No words

    Chisom Anozie said:
    March 29, 2014 at 12:19 pm

    I totally relate with your point on finance. My BF isnt very good with finances, Lends unneccessarily and doesnt know how to save. I have been praying about it and looking for the right way to approach it. I even thot of suggesting to him that we save together, that way he is obligated to take out something aside every month..Please what is your advice? Anxiously waiting…

      drnsmusings responded:
      March 29, 2014 at 4:42 pm

      I doubt u can teach him. Men don’t learn like that. Is he a reader? Read books on money management together. If not, plan to attend seminars or get him mentorship. But u need to make him think it was his idea. Anything short becomes ‘nagging’. Does he trust u? I had friends who had this issue. While dating, she controlled their finances. When they married, he wouldn’t let her. They keep having issues. Rent is unpaid but he’s buying X box, etc. Take time to evaluate. Can he change? How do u get him to without coming across as controlling?

    mzquinn92 said:
    June 30, 2016 at 1:53 pm

    as eh! you just spoke my mind ” He had to believe in my equality with him”

    My Proverbs 32 Man, Joseph – Femmetotale said:
    September 8, 2016 at 6:19 pm

    […] principles has to say about choosing a husband? You have to check out what she has to say yourself. Just Click here to read or follow the link, http://www.drnsmusings.wordpress.com The part that really struck me at first […]

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