I realize the header of this post might distract some people from reading it but, that’s just the title I came up with. Recently, I employed a 21 year old who I will here after refer to as “Nanny”. She is paid a salary to live with us and assist me with domestic chores. To sweeten the deal, we promised an increase in her salary after 6 months. Also, we said we would consider hiring a tutor to prepare her for O’levels (WAEC exam), since she stopped school in SS 1.
Few weeks after she moved in, she confided in me that our security man (gate man), had asked her out shortly after she got the job. I warned her that she was earning more than he was and I didn’t see what she needed his “love” for. It didn’t stop there, more and more “brats” kept proposing to her. The question on your mind is “Is she that beautiful? “. Well, when has that ever stopped any man?
I know that a number of singles are reading. This one is for you. These are secrets every married woman wishes she could tell you. You have the right to ignore it. Just admit that you are doing so. One night, we were watching a local movie. She was so absorbed in it that I let it run to the end though I was itching to change the channel. We started discussing the moral of the story.
“Ma, they said if you don’t marry early, you won’t see any man later in life”, She quipped.
“How early is early?”
“Nanny, it seems someone proposed to you?”
“Well…There’s this guy. He was so angry when he found out I am a domestic worker. I lied to him that I do something that allows me go to work and close at 5pm. That is why he seized my purse the last time I visited him”
“He seized your purse?”
“Yes, because I did what was wrong”
“You are only a girlfriend and he is seizing your purse. When you marry him, he will slap your face!”
My husband who has been pretending to be working on his laptop can’t help but pitch in. “Who is he? What does he do?”
“He is X. He works where they fry chicken”
“A fast food joint? Is he the manager or door man?”, I ask.
“I don’t know”, she frowns. “He said I should quit this job and move in with him. That he will send me to school”
“Which school? He can’t afford to feed you. How do you think he can pay for your education. Do you know what it costs? Is he educated himself?”, my husband asks.
“He has a diploma in education”
“Really? Are you sure? Sounds fishy” he mutters. “I am a man and I will tell you for free that he will tell you anything to get you in his bed. You had better look before you leap”.
I launch into a long counselling session of almost 4 hours. At the end, I fear that my efforts were wasted. Why? She is afraid that if she misses this opportunity, she may remain single for life. That is why I am letting you read my letter to her. I know you are smarter and more privileged but, you have the same fear. The fear of dying alone.
The bible says, “He came to deliver those who all their lives were subject to death through the fear of death” Not only do you attract to yourself what you fear, you reduce the quality of your life. There are so many books on marriage and so many teachings. What to look out for and so on. One thing I want to emphasize is this.
Marriage is a partnership between 2 citizens of God’s kingdom, in order to advance his purpose on earth. His purpose is to tell men of Jesus, harvest them into his kingdom and stop the work of the devil. Read that again. The purpose of marriage is not sex (and sex is awesome), not finance, not societal recognition, not rings, honeymoons and what not.
If you believe that God is our commander in chief, this will not be a hard saying. Jesus sent the disciples out in twos and so he sends us. Therefore, in business, what are the characteristics of partnerships? Think about it. Marriage is an institution. It is like a limited liability company. God is the Chairman, the husband the CEO, and the wife is the MD. Do you want a CEO, who hates the chairman, does not even qualify to be a CEO, or has no respect for the office of the MD?
Nanny, you get the job of MD after you audition for the chairman, not the CEO. You answer to God, not your husband. If he interviews you and employs you, then he assigns you to the CEO that will appreciate you. Submission becomes a joy, not a drag. Also note that if it is God who employed you, your CEO, does not have the power to fire you. In fact, you can report him to God because you are a privileged employee, not a foot mat. When you are business-like, you get a better deal.
Dear Nanny, men are often cold and calculating. Nothing they do is accidental. He bumped into you on the road? Are you sure he has not been trailing you for weeks? You have to strip the emotions away. How much can he put up with? Will he take care of you? Where is he going that he wants you to ride along? Will your children ask you why you married him? Those character traits you are making excuses for, how long will you continue?
Dear Muse, I spoke about a resume to write when you are ready to be married. I shied away from saying more cause I felt it was a hard saying. Asking you to stop auditioning for men, but to concentrate your efforts on convincing God that you are the one for the job. I hope men know it applies to them to? God took into consideration Joseph before picking Mary. If he was a drunkard or thief, He would have moved on.
How do we audition for God? By obeying Him! When I was single, I used to tell God “You know how loyal I am, you will not assign me to where my loyalty will cause my death”
Will every good woman get a good man just by being good? NO! Beyond refining your character, you have to say No to any pretenders. They see how awesome you are and want to truncate the purpose of God. Not only do you end up unhappy, people observing your marriage end up discouraged. Why are people on every blog complaining that they are afraid that all marriages are unhappy? Because you and I were so afraid of ending up alone that we let ourselves enter partnerships that profess no loyalty to God’s kingdom.
I hope I have not offended but encouraged you. Subsequently, I will offer my take on what to do if you’ve been married for a while and there are issues. Today I want a new crop of Christian marriages that attract young people. So many are putting off commitment for fear of divorce. Let’s break the cycle. Marriage is beautiful. It is a lot of hardwork but our God is a generous employer. He gives the best of benefits.
Do check out http://www.naijahusband.com and http://www.inthemidstofher.com. Some great marriage advice there. Cheers
If you want to find me, try firstname.lastname@example.org or @nenabekee.