The Audition

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“But Jesus said, “Not everyone is MATURE enough to LIVE a married life. It requires a certain APTITUDE and GRACE. Marriage isn’t for everyone. Some, from birth seemingly, never give marriage a thought. Others never get asked – or accepted…. But if you are CAPABLE of growing into the largeness of marriage, do it.” Matt.19:11-12 (MSG).

When I wrote Adire, there was an avalanche of requests for the CV: The almighty CV one of the characters, Ekene kept talking about. I couldn’t work it into the story, so I let it go. Yesterday, I saw this mind-boggling Scripture, quoted above. Can you imagine Jesus saying marriage is not for everyone? So, who and who should not get married? Is it your destiny to keep attending friends’ weddings and never invite them to yours? Will you ever get your nosy aunts off your back? How do you get the girls you would prefer to marry to be interested in being more than friends? How do you stop your daughter from making the mistakes you made in choosing a partner?

I must warn that I am no marriage expert. I have only been married for 6 years and my husband is the first and only man I had a relationship with. Someone once told me I am not qualified to give advice because my heart has never been broken, I have never been dumped and I have never been a real part of the dating pool. I hear it’s tough out there. So many wolves in sheep clothing. Never fear, I turn 35 in 3 weeks, so I am not unsympathetic to the men and women out there searching for answers.

The reason I didn’t dive into the dating pool is that I had a very interesting childhood encounter that changed the way I think. At 10 or 11years I was due to go to boarding school and my mom said I should cut my long hair since she believed I would not be able to find anyone to plait it for me. I cried because the school permitted us to wear our hair long but she insisted. My dad would not hear of me going to the new-fangled barbers who used electric barbers. He sent me to his barber, an old man who kept the cartons of hair from his customers’ heads under his rickety tables. I don’t know why this man decided to put his hands down my clothes. For whatever reason, I did not stop him. I just kept wishing he would cut my hair so I could leave.

“Should I have left with half a hair cut? Shouted? Fought?” I did not know what to do and I felt no one would believe me if I said an old man tried to have sex with me. Eventually, he asked if he could go all the way. I shook my head, praying furiously for someone to walk in on us. No one did. Thankfully, he did not try to rape me. He charged me N5. I pleaded for him to accept N4. He refused. Just before I left, he called me back and gave me N1; probably to buy my silence. I ran home, throwing the coin into a puddle of water by the market. No one was home, so I got in the shower and srcubbed myself clean. Then, I knelt by the tub and promised God that if he would forgive me, I would not let anyone but my husband sleep with me.

A few years later, I was on holiday at my Uncle’s. His son was my favourite cousin, the darling of the house and the toast of the campus. I learned that he was the crush of every girl in the university he attended and he milked it. When he returned from lectures, he would tell me of all his adventures.

“Girls have fish brain,” he would say.

“How can you say that? I don’t have fish brain and your sisters are very intelligent, ” I retorted, indignant.

“You and my sisters are the exception. Okay, how can a boy tell you he loves you and you will just believe?”

“Why would a girl not believe that?”

“Is she stupid? How can someone fall in love with you just like that?” He would shake his head at the absurbity of it all and chuckle loudly.

A group of friends and him had the habit of driving out in a car and chatting up any girl they saw along the road. They would tell her how pretty she was and how they longed to take her out and ask her to go get her bag or something. Once she turned to leave they would burst into laughter. Hurt and astonished, she would turn to ask why they were laughing.

“Come on get out of here! Ugly thing! Who told you we wanted anything to do with you? ”

They would speed off, screeching their tyres, while she either railed at them or burst into tears. Don’t judge, we have all done things in our youth which we now regret. The point is that, I determined that I would never be a ‘fish brain’. In fact, I remember the day we went on a stroll and a girl walked past. He immediately lifted me in his arms and swung me around, calling out endearments. I laughed, thinking he was being his usual playful self. Later, he told me that the show was staged for that girl. She was someone he wanted to show that she wasn’t that special. I pitied her but, it was too late. The damage was done. She believed I was competition.

I had seen and heard enough. 2 years later, I got into the university. I decided that I wanted a husband, not a boyfriend. Yes, it didn’t matter that I would miss out on having someone to show off, gifts, love letter, etc. I did not want to be a fish brain. Those “October rush” guys made me laugh. I did not even give them 5 minutes because I suspected they wanted to laugh at me. Mba! Not I! Before they shared their manifesto, I already disqualified them. I was brutal because I was 18. I did not need any distractions. My goal was to finish medical school and then marry the man who had proven to me that he deserved my loyalty.

I have always been honest with God. I decided that he is the giver of good husbands so I made my life an audition. Whenever the Holy Spirit pointed out a flaw or defect in my character I would do my utmost to fix it because, I did not want God to change his mind about the kind of man he would give me. I wanted a premium man, a MAN not a boy who would be a prayer project for the rest of our marriage. There were times I said something and then I would remember that I was being examined; so I would repent and promise to do better. I devoted a % of my pocket money to books and when I read them I tried to change.

Back in the day, girls used to audition for great husbands. They would fetch water, farm and even clean for potential fathers-in-law. It was up to him to ask his son to marry her or not. God is the giver of all good gifts. I could not afford to audition for man because woe to he who puts his trust in man. If I move into a man’s house and give him wifely priviledges, how am I sure he is not laughing at me behind my back? I could not take that risk.

This article may seem directed at ladies but not so. As a man, you should be very concerned about the spiritual maturity of the lady you marry. Did you know that a study has found that women cheat more than men but just don’t get caught? Are you aware that social media is full of chat sites where lonely women catch fun? Would you like to pay school fees for children that are not yours?

My humble submission is that we have to be business-like about marriage. I kept reminding God that I was making the choices I was because I wanted to please him and so, he was responsible for the faithfulness of any son of his who he chose to hook me up with. When I met my husband, he had to convince me he had been living his life as an audition for God and for me. It was not an over night affair. That scipture said not everyone is mature enough to LIVE the married life. So one of my fave bloggers (warning: she can be raunchy but I love her anyway), http://www.thelmathinks.com, wrote about married bachelors. These are men whose wives never know their wherabouts. They even call the man’s friends to ask, “Have you seen my husband? Please tell him to call me” . Can you imagine that? Also, some wives fly to Dubai without infoming their husbands. All because they can afford to.

So, how do you hear from God regards marriage? The same way you should have been getting feedback concerning your audition, that’s how. How do you know he/she is the one? Is he/she also part of the audition? Is he/she mature enough, not to marry but to LIVE the married life? Does he/she have the APTITUDE (skill and intellect) and GRACE (divine enablement) for marriage? For e.g, married people tell someone where they are going. Single people can just take off to the moon.

Why are some good singles yet to marry? They are not ready, that’s the honest truth. You may accept it or not but age is not maturity. When you are ready, you will become far more unselfish than you could have ever dreamed possible. It will amaze you that someone else could actually come first. I stand to be corrected.

Are you already married? Kindly teach your children the business of marriage. It is a contract not to be entered into lightly. Be careful before you sign. Ask you lawyer (The Holy Spirit) to read the fine print first.

Happy new year muses. It’s a leap year. May your blessings come in leaps and bounds.

Cheers, Dr. N

(Should you wish to send me a confidential email, send it to drnsmusings@yahoo.com. Do click on the title to leave a comment)

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47 thoughts on “The Audition

    Susan said:
    January 1, 2016 at 8:07 pm

    Made a comment earlier. Can’t find it. My phone’s network’s been messed up today.
    Came back cos I just remembered the sexual abuse. Jeez! Can’t believe you went through that. The stories of sexual abuse I’ve been hearing recently keeps me asking God for male children only. When I see a baby born to a woman with low socio-economic status who’s not married, I heave a sigh of relief if it’s a boy, cos to me, that aspect of abuse has been taken away.

    Well done Ma. My earlier comment was just me saying “I love you. No homo”. Happy New Year!

      drnsmusings responded:
      January 1, 2016 at 8:42 pm

      I love u too Susan
      God makes all things beautiful in his time and remember male children can also be abused.
      I did not become a victim. I chose to move on.

        Unsure said:
        January 4, 2016 at 6:08 pm

        It seemed like you blamed yourself for the molestation?

        drnsmusings responded:
        January 4, 2016 at 6:56 pm

        Of course I did
        Children tend to
        I certainly know better now

    Frances Okoro said:
    January 1, 2016 at 9:31 pm

    Happy new year ma!

    Taking this as a call to order… funny thing was we just spoke about! “Being ready” for marriage in discussions in our sister’s group today…
    With emphasis also on “age isn’t maturity”…
    I trust God to mold what needs to be molded and for me to be humble enough to correct and tweak as necessary…

    thank you!

      drnsmusings responded:
      January 1, 2016 at 10:21 pm

      Happy new year Fran
      Call to order O
      Esp for those seizing d bae. Lol

    E' said:
    January 1, 2016 at 10:49 pm

    Wisdom Good Lordy Lord!!!
    People like you make people like ME feel and look bad!!!
    Eez nuffair!!!

    I don’t even know nke’m ga-ekwu ozo!!!

      drnsmusings responded:
      January 2, 2016 at 8:05 am

      Look baaaad?
      Holy ghost filled, tongue talking, demon casting….?
      O di egwu

    E' said:
    January 1, 2016 at 10:55 pm

    ‘I hear tz tough out there…’
    NNE it is ooo.
    That’s why I thank Chukwu for saving me drama and bringing bae early on in my life. And for Pastor Bimbo Odukoya. That woman led me to Christ and made me resolve to enter any hole with Him if that would guarantee i marry and ENJOY my marriage.
    If not, my own drama would have been the drama to end all dramas!!!
    Tz really tough out there and pressure certainly don’t help. Which is why I make sure not to put any friend under any stupid pressure (some kain questions and comments are STUPID!!!) but instead PRAY PRAY and PRAY for them

      drnsmusings responded:
      January 2, 2016 at 8:06 am

      I agree.
      Note…free single people. Stop asking unkind questions. They will confide in u when necessary

    Tamie.A said:
    January 2, 2016 at 10:15 pm

    Oh this is just lovely and timely to me.
    I really agree that that isn’t maturity. I looked back at a time and realized how selfish and immature I was and would have just made someone’s dear son and my self miserable.

    Oh and E’s 2nd comment! Stupid pressure isn’t what anyone should be put under.

    Bless you Dr N
    And happy new year!!

      drnsmusings responded:
      January 3, 2016 at 12:24 pm

      Bless u Tamie
      Happy new year

    brytnex said:
    January 2, 2016 at 11:07 pm

    Made comments earlier and they are not showing. I’ve missed your posts. Been refreshing this page for the past weeks.
    Thank you for inspiring me!
    HAPPY NEW YEAR!

      drnsmusings responded:
      January 3, 2016 at 12:25 pm

      Thanks a bunch
      I’ll try to keep up this yr

    Anonymous Chick said:
    January 3, 2016 at 6:45 am

    Happy New Year and Happy Birthday in advance Doc!

    Your wisdom sha astounds me! I truly admire you!

    Thanks for sharing that encounter and I Bless God the old man didn’t go further. It makes one realise that children truly have to be protected; no one would even suspect an old man of any such.

    My sister this marriage thing ehn…. People most times know exactly what they want or better still what they don’t want, but too many people are afraid of waiting and just setlle rather than continue counting the years.

    May God’s wisdom fill all our lives IJN. God Bless you.

      drnsmusings responded:
      January 3, 2016 at 12:26 pm

      Any small wisdom I have, I cannot even lay claim to. We are products of those who have invested in us
      Happy new year Sis.

    Grace Gigi said:
    January 3, 2016 at 2:29 pm

    First of all happy new year dr N.

    Honestly, I have never thought of marriage. Yes my friends are getting married but i feel nothing when i get their invites or hear the news. Now your post has got me thinking.
    I think the thought scares me. And thats somewhat confusing cos I hate being aline. I recently just learnt how to love me completely. I never did thus never gave my heart completely. I always doubted, always had trust issues. So the heart breaks came. Two hurt so badly, I thought I would never recover. Now your post has got me thinking. Oh well lets see what this year has in store.

    Epiphany29.com
    Maxi Dress – Casual Wear

      drnsmusings responded:
      January 4, 2016 at 6:14 am

      I am sorry to hear of the heartbreaks. Wish u had said what d thought is that causes fear. Take your time tho. Work thru it. Don’t give your heart to d next undeserving man. Wait for a worthy man.
      E hugs

    LO said:
    January 4, 2016 at 9:22 am

    Happy New Year Dr.N, remain blessed and please do keep blessing us with your writing!
    I’m so sorry for your horrible experience as a child.

    I wanted to ask about the verse, Matthew 19:11-12, other versions (CEV, NIV and NKJV) phrase this as ‘not all have the gift of singleness’ whereas The Message version states that ‘not all have the maturity for marriage’. Any thoughts on why this version is different?

    Thanks!

      drnsmusings responded:
      January 4, 2016 at 4:39 pm

      Don’t u think maturity is d gift the other versions tried but could not find a word for?
      For instance I could say “she has an eye for fashion” or “she is eclectic, avant garde and chic”. What do u think?

        LO said:
        January 4, 2016 at 11:45 pm

        Thanks for your response!

        Sorry I wasn’t clear. What I meant is that other versions seemed to say ‘marriage is the default at not all can be single’ whereas The Message version alone says ‘singleness is the default and not all can be married’.

        🙂

        drnsmusings responded:
        January 5, 2016 at 4:33 pm

        I understand. Since I don’t understand Hebrew, we will have to go wt what we have. The defqult is a holy life. U choose to re main single or be married. In my opinion

    exceptionalstar said:
    January 4, 2016 at 3:35 pm

    I love you, I love this post.

    D'Dream said:
    January 4, 2016 at 10:50 pm

    I completely agree with all you said. Its settled in my mind years ago that I can’t live with a woman. So I don’t bother myself with dating wish. Nothing is wrong with me. When I told my mum the truth, she cried profusely. I understand her pain but there is no point making my life and the wife miserable in order to please people.

    Yeah I am normal and I can boast of not having slept with lady, its not boasting, it has been God!

      drnsmusings responded:
      January 5, 2016 at 4:31 pm

      I applaud u for abstaining.
      When u say u can’t live wt a woman is it b4 u marry her or u mean u have no interest in marriage? Interested in your answer

        E' said:
        January 7, 2016 at 10:22 pm

        Interested tooooo

    Adaeze said:
    January 5, 2016 at 12:29 am

    God bless you Dr N.

    blogaddict said:
    January 7, 2016 at 1:55 pm

    Happy New Year to You and Yours Dr. N.
    Sorry about your childhood experience, And I must say you are blessed to have been delivered from the experience of serial dating and breakups. That’s something am definitely teaching my kids not to fall victim of.
    Thanks for all the wisdom you’ve been dishing out. More grace to you.

      drnsmusings responded:
      January 7, 2016 at 5:29 pm

      Grace to u 2
      Have a blessed year

    PamBee said:
    January 8, 2016 at 6:12 pm

    Happy New Year Dr N. Some of experiences make us more astute as parents. Our children r protected o! BTW I like the akara@gmail.com so I’m going to trademark it. I said it first!

    sandy said:
    January 10, 2016 at 8:20 pm

    I had so much to say… 2 different posts different things to say when I first read this days ago.

    First I was upset…you made it sound so hard
    Next I understood the prayer you made with God, kinda reminded me of how Abraham built an altar anytime he and God had an “adiwun’ aka covenant.

    Thanks for sharing about the abuse

    Although you never had to go through the serial dating pool before you met your husband I believe the length of time you dated and the challenge from your parents initial non-acceptance. It still balances out

    Happy New Year

      drnsmusings responded:
      January 10, 2016 at 9:43 pm

      Happy New year
      His way is narrow but his yoke is easy n his burden light

    Bellaxtian said:
    January 15, 2016 at 11:35 am

    ‘I did not become a victim, I chose to move on’……This sentence caught my attention and I just want to say thank you for reminding me in this New Year that we must refuse to become or remain victims of circumstances but rather move on by His grace.

    ‘…. you will become far more unselfish than you could have ever dreamed possible..’ great thing you learnt ahead of time as some of us are learning/being taught on the job…lol.

    Enjoy a splendid year!

      drnsmusings responded:
      January 15, 2016 at 4:24 pm

      Thinking of an apt reply but yours was sooo good. Lol
      Thanks for reading

    I Renette said:
    February 2, 2016 at 11:33 am

    Your handling of that moving anecdote (about the old barber) was super. Great, great article altogether.
    Although… I don’t agree that people are single because they aren’t mature/ready. One rule won’t fit all now, would it?
    Again, beautiful article. Thank you.

      drnsmusings responded:
      February 2, 2016 at 6:31 pm

      I agree
      One rule can’t fit all. Besides I am no expert
      Thanks for d compliments

    thegracedmisfit said:
    February 5, 2016 at 8:46 am

    Wow. This is truly a call to order like Francis said.

    Happy New Year and Happy Belated Birthday, Dr N. May God continue to bless you and your family. You are such an inspiration.

    http://www.thegracedmisfit.com

    Fola said:
    February 15, 2016 at 2:47 pm

    I’ll teach my children this…so help me God

    teekay said:
    March 23, 2016 at 10:52 am

    Thanks for sharing your experience. I am hopeful that the best shall come for me. God bless you.

    mimispassion said:
    September 2, 2016 at 7:42 am

    Wow, such depth of wisdom. I have also decided to get a husband and not a boyfriend, it’s not being easy but God has been faithful. I don’t think I’ve taken my audition seriously, I need to take that up more seriously now. I sure am no fish brain…lolz

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