After her class, Seun was making her way to her car when she noticed Mr. Jiggle-My-Ovaries standing by the exit. He wasn’t looking at her but the way he was standing, there was no way she could pass without making eye contact.
“Okay, Seun, tuck in the hormones,” she cautioned herself.
Just as she got to the door, he turned and smiled directly at her. It was a smile that said “I don catch you today!”
She never found out what he was about to say because she suddenly doubled over in pain. The back pain she had experienced before the class returned without warning. He caught her before she got to the floor and lifted her in his arms. If she wasn’t in pain she would have wondered what the members exiting the church would think of his carrying her like his bride when they knew well she was single to stupor. As it stood, she was using all the energy she could muster to keep from screaming in pain.
He was running with her in his arms. “Who is this guy?” she thought.
Then she saw they were at the office of one of the church staff. He pushed the door open with his foot and laid her on the carpet gently.
“What is the matter?” he asked finally.
“My back, it hurts.”
“Has it always hurt?”
The lady whose office they were in was already shouting for someone outside to call the pastor.
“Are you on medication? When last did you see your period? Do you have arthritis?”
He was firing questions at her faster than she could answer. She wondered whether he was a doctor. Then she heard him ask the other lady to help him put her in a particular position on her stomach.
“I’m going to do a manual adjustment. Do you mind?”
“Are you a doctor?” she asked.
“I am a chiropractor.”
“We have those in Nigeria?” she wondered.
“Yes. Do I have your permission?”
While he arranged her body on the carpet, she prayed silently.
“Hold on. Do I have to undress?” she asked.
She heaved a sigh of relief for she knew her pastor and a crowd of anxious church folk would soon show up. It would not do for her to be caught in her underwear under a man in church, even if he said he was a chiropractor.
He ran his hand along her spine, almost tenderly. Then, he motioned to the other lady to move over in order to give him more room. She moved behind her desk to watch. Seun could no longer see her but she could hear her praying in other tongues.
Mr. Jiggle-My-Ovaries began a series of short, sharp manipulations on her back. They did not hurt but she felt they were rather random. It didn’t take long for him to ask her if she felt better.
“Why, yes, I actually do.” She rose and sat up.
“Praise God!” She heard the lady exclaim.
Just then, Pastor Etim and his wife burst in. “What’s going on?” he asked.
She could see behind him one of the deacons who had attempted to cheat her in a business deal gone bad years before. “These people are like cockroaches; you can’t get rid of them,” she thought. “They cling to pastors like moss in order to gain a false credibility that they can use to defraud people. But they make themselves so indispensable that even when you report them, the pastor doesn’t know how to get rid of them.”
“Sister Seun?” he asked again.
“She had a sudden pain in her back that was so severe she couldn’t stand. I had to do an adjustment.”
“Adjustment? Iya mmi!” Pastor Eka exclaimed.
“How do you feel now? Do you need to go to a hospital?” h asked.
“I don’t think so. I feel perfectly fine. Thank you…um…” She stopped short of saying Mr. Jiggle-My-Ovaries.
“My name is Emoche.”
“I’m Seun. Thank you for coming to my rescue.” She couldn’t look away from his eyes. “Does he know what effect his eyes have on people?” she wondered.
“Thank you doctor. God bless you. Do you have a clinic around here?” Pastor Etim asked.
“Actually, I just got into the country last month. I’m supposed to be on vacation but my cousin introduced me to this church so I’ve been coming for 2 weeks.”
“That’s so nice.” Pastor Eka smiled and moved closer so she could shake his hand. “Emoche…what language is that?”
“I am Idoma.”
“That’s nice. Do you have a card or something?”
Pastor Etim had given Seun a hand to enable her rise to her feet during their exchange and was now looking her over as if to assure himself that everything was in order. She smiled to reassure him and saw him let out a breath.
“Thank you doctor. You are a lifesaver. Sister Seun, I insist you get checked out tomorrow. Let my driver drive you home. I don’t think you should drive,” he said.
“I am fine Pastor. I can drive,” she protested.
“I’ll take her home,” Emoche offered.
“Slick move,” Seun thought. “Mr. Jiggle-My-Ovaries gets to know my house and starts turning up at odd hours to check on me. The next thing is I’ve missed my period. Ko le work rara.”
Aloud she said, “I’ll let your driver take me home Pastor. I wouldn’t like to bother Doc any further after he kindly came to my aid.”
“That’s better,” said Pastor Etim. He motioned to his assistant who had hung back at the door and instructed him to get his driver. The deacon went with him, studiously avoiding her gaze.
The group began to make their way to the main hall of the building. Seun observed Pastor Eka surreptitiously pocket the card she collected from him and smiled. “Faith without works,” she thought with a smirk.
“Call me as soon as you get home. I’ll tell Otong to take an uber home,” Pastor Etim said when they got to her car. He had ignored all her protests about being walked to the car. “Aha…he’s here.”
Seun handed her keys to Otong and got in beside him. Emoche hung back. She smiled at him. He had a funny look which she refused to interpret. “Let him escape the clutches of Pastor Eka and her 3 daughters first.” She laughed to herself as Otong sped off.
Nkem was rounding up a phone conversation when Seun came into her office. She signaled that she should take a seat. Seun sat in the chair before her desk and crossed her legs patiently. Watching Nkem handle a conversation that would have thrown most people reminded her of how they met. They were both freshmen in the university trying to find an eatery where the food tasted great and cost as little as possible.
She was studying Mathematics while Nkem was in Civil Engineering. Nkem overheard her asking a classmate for directions to ‘Egusi Patrol’ and warned her, “I wouldn’t bother if I were you.”
“Why?” she had asked, frowning.
“Their egusi tastes like it was made with engine oil. I don’t know why students have not renamed them “Engine oil Patrol’. Yuck!” She spat.
“And worse…Let’s go to Aunty Bim Bim. My brother recommends her and he is a picky eater,” Nkem suggested.
“I hope the prices are fair. I am a picky ‘spender’” Seun retorted.
Nkem bowled over laughing. “You must be funny,” she managed to gasp.
Seun merely smiled. They became inseparable after that day, even when they stopped sharing courses. They joined the same school fellowship, lived in the same rooms and spent as much of their holidays together as they could (even though Nkem lived in Enugu and she in Port-Harcourt). After NYSC in 2 different states, Nkem had gone to Scotland for her masters while Seun got a job as a lecturer in the university she graduated from as she was the best graduating student. When Nkem returned to start a firm that manufactured essential parts for smart phones, she invited Seun to join her as COO (Chief operations officer). 2 years later, Seun owned 15% of their stock and had been responsible for much of the growth of the company. Their friendship had blossomed as well, deepening over the years to where they completed each other’s sentences to the amazement of their staff.
Nkem ended her call and dropped the phone to run both hands through her hair; a sign she was really frustrated. Seun knew how much she hated mussing her beautiful long hair.
“What’s going on?”
“That man is getting on my nerves.”
“Which man: the man who asked you out last week or the one you met on social media?”
“Social media? Get serious. I am talking about the Chairman of the parastatal that needs to give us a license for the next phase of our Nightingale project.”
“What is he saying?”
“First he asked for us to meet for lunch. I sent Idris. He nearly spat at the poor guy.”
“Next he asked for me to send him ‘special pictures’. I told him I am not photogenic.”
Seun laughed again.
“Now he is saying the only way he can grant the license is for me to accompany him to a conference in Switzerland next week.”
Seun was thoughtful. “Hmmm…”
“What is wrong with these men? Na single I single, I no kill persin na!” Nkem attempted to laugh her anger away but her voice was tense.
“Did he say next week?” Seun asked.
“Yes. He says he is hiring a private jet on Saturday.”
“He will call you tomorrow to apologise. That license will be granted on Thursday.”
“Eh eh? Just like that?” Nkem doubted. “Shouldn’t we declare a fast or something? Maybe do midnight prayer?”
“While you were talking about him, I saw him on his knees, begging someone not to fire him. The case is above us. I don’t think we need to pray.”
“Hei! Seun special! I di too much! God bless the day we met, biko. So, one bro will just marry you and be enjoying all this unction alone?” Nkem clapped her hands. “I sha have to approve him so he won’t take you away from me, abeg.”
“Mtchewww. I am not anybody special.” Seun rolled her eyes. She got to her feet. “Is there anything else?”
“No…you have shaved 10 years off my age already. I had worried myself sick.”
Seun chuckled. “Nkem,fi mi le jare.”
“Exactly what I was saying to him,” Nkem joked.
Seun made a face at her before making her exit to Nkem’s belly laugh.
TO BE CONTINUED
PS: I think the title stays. I was thinking of changing it when the scripture that says “We have an unction from the Holy One and we know all things” bubbled up from within me.
Also if you are a parent and you haven’t registered for my online course wyd? Check out my post titled online courses.
Cheers and do click on the title to leave a comment.
Kojo watched Seun and Nkem rush out of the restaurant and wished, like he had on several occasions, that he could wring Seun’s neck. Scratch that…wringing her neck would put him in jail. He wished he could tell her exactly how he felt. Shoot! His feelings were more romantic than irritated and he could not explain why this was so.
They had been rivals almost from the day they met. As he took his seat, still fuming, he remembered being introduced to her as a new hire at Logixx. He could barely focus on what she was saying. “Her smile…it lights up the brown flecks in her eyes. She’s so cute. And she doesn’t even know it,” he thought.
He soon discovered that she did not take kindly to being teased. It was in his nature to flirt (he thought it was harmless. Besides, many ladies found it flattering). Seun hated it. He felt she carried her relationship with God like a burden. Why would God have anything against paying ladies a compliment (howbeit occasionally exaggerated)? “My God is not uptight abeg!” he thought.
Abike was the girlfriend he hoped to end up marrying. He was serious about her. The rest were only fun to hang out with. She was the take-me-home-to mama type. He clearly remembered inviting her to the office Christmas dinner. Proud of the attention they generated, two tall, good- looking people who were deeply in love, he led her to the edge of the room to introduce her to Seun. As usual, she had no date and was standing there in an unremarkable dress; sipping what he was sure was fruit juice. He wanted her to wish she was the one in Abike’s place. He wanted her to lose her cool. He wanted her to want him; though he only admitted he had those thoughts after 3 years had passed.
Seun had fixed her gaze on Abike while they shook hands, till the girl became uncomfortable. He didn’t blame her. It had taken him months to get used to her piercing gaze that threatened to unmask all your secrets; like the fact that he could not remember when last he prayed or read his bible even though he was born again. It was nobody’s business. After all, God wasn’t complaining.
“Why won’t you tell him what you really think about him?” Seun had blurted just as Kojo excused himself to get Abike something to eat.
He turned back, confused. “What was that?”
“I’ll go use the ladies,” Seun replied. “You both have a lot to talk about.” With that, she left a bewildered Abike and a perplexed Kojo alone.
“Sweet…what is going on? Do you feel ill? You look like you’ve seen a ghost!”
“Who is that lady? Is she psychic or what?”
“Who, Seun? No. Why?”
“Never mind. I think we should leave. I’m not enjoying myself. This party isn’t much fun.”
He wanted to argue but something in her manner stopped him. That was the beginning of the end of their relationship. Abike became cold. She stopped picking his calls, reading his messages or replying as before. He held on for months, begging, cajoling but it soon dawned on him that he was in a relationship with himself. That was when he found the courage to move on.
Mike punched his friend’s shoulder playfully. “You mean you want to step down because of a prophecy or revelation from a dubious character who may have been paid by your opponents to discourage you? Kojo, are you under a spell?”
“I am not under any spell!”
“So why are we having this discussion? You are passionate about Nigeria. One of the reasons you returned to the country was to vie for public office. You have said it on many occasions, the present crop of politicians is building our much needed infrastructure in their rotund tummies. Who will bell the cat if you shirk the responsibility?”
Kojo rubbed his chin, deep in thought.
“Your father’s reputation as an astute politician has already given you a platform. There is no man or woman in your senatorial district who does not believe in him.”
“I am not my father…”
“You don’t have to be. All you need is his name. When you get in, you can build a legacy for yourself. Then you will have enough loyalists such that you will no longer need his name to open doors for you.”
“Mike, you know I have always wanted to take my father’s old seat in the senate. I want it so badly that I have turned down millions of naira in offers for me to step down and support Veno. My mom won’t let me give up that dream, even if I wanted to.”
“Now you’re talking! I have offered to buy the nomination form for you, as a gesture of support. Should I transfer the money to their account now?” Mike held up his phone.
“The deadline is Friday.”
Kojo bit his lip. “Do it.”
Mike smiled as he began to initiate the transfer. Kojo leaned back in his sofa, intertwining his fingers behind his head. He let out the breath he didn’t even know he had been holding.
‘I guess there’s no going back now?”
“Forward ever, my man, forward ever,” Mike replied. His phone rang just then. Kojo closed his eyes, his mind wandering to Seun and her numerous predictions that had come through over the years he had known her.
“This one cannot come to pass. Me too, I am God’s child and I know he needs people like me in government. I have a fair chance of winning. Besides, I can always get prayer support from pastors and prayer warriors. Seun can dive into the lagoon for all I care.”
Seun was driving herself to church after work. It was a Wednesday and that meant bible study at Jesus Centre Church. The congregation would be split into classes of 20-30 under a coordinator. Classes were interactive and highly enlightening which accounted for the high turnout. Apart from teaching the word, the gifts of the Spirit were demonstrated and activated in as many as were willing. Seun was one of the teachers and always had to turn people away from her class to join other classes.
As she parked, she felt a sharp pain in her back. She put her hand there and probed gently. Nothing appeared wrong so she dismissed it. She got out and locked the car behind her, stepping carefully around the puddles of water that had collected in the parking lot. It had rained that afternoon.
“Thank God we fixed this lot. It would have been a nightmare with the flooding this year,” she thought.
She was already at the door when she got a text notification. It informed her that she was to take Class C, cordoned off to the left of the seats in the section where the choir sat on Sundays. She headed there, taking note that the seats were filling fast, even though people were not told who would be teaching their class.
Someone bumped into her, jostling her out of dream world. “Oops! I didn’t see you coming. Pardon my clumsiness.”
She found herself gazing into the sexiest eyes she had ever seen. They belonged to a tall, fair man whose genes had blessed with eyes that were so brown they almost looked grey. His handsome face was beaming at her. “Really?” she thought. “I have a class to teach and Mr. Jiggle-My-Ovaries appears out of the woodwork? Not today satan!”
He was still apologizing. “I hope you are okay?”
“How can I be okay, when your cheekbones are higher than Naomi Campbell’s?” she thought. “Where is the church security when you need them? They should learn to screen overly gorgeous men at the gate. God’s daughters don’t need this assault.”
By now the man was staring at her, puzzled by her silence. She waved him off, not trusting her powers of speech and walked away. She could feel his eyes boring into her from behind but she resisted the urge to turn. Her steps were slower and more intentional though; the ever so subtle revolutions of her waist, calculated to leave a good impression.
“If he’s going to watch, I might as well be a blessing to his life,” she thought and smiled to herself.
TO BE CONTINUED
hope you are keeping calm and enjoying August (winks). Do leave a comment by clicking on the title and be sure to find me on social media. Also, if you are a parent and yet to find out about my online course for parents of phone-addicted kids and teens shoot me an email via firstname.lastname@example.org.
My name is Dr.N (just in case you’ve deleted me from your memory) Lol!
I have been unable to post here because I was building my child fiction empire. I started a publishing firm focused on children’s books and published my 2nd children’s book which just made it to the NLNG Nigeria prize for literature long list for 2019…Yay!
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I don’t have a title for this story yet so this title is me being humorous (winks)
Monday tugged at his red T-shirt; something he often did when he was nervous. The men addressing him were in the shadows but their menacing voices gave away the reason for his fear.
“Take Jubilee way reach that side wey bush dey before you comot for bridge.”
“She go ask why I wan take that side.”
“Tell am say hold-up dey Ojojo road.”
“She go use phone check am. You never sabi am.”
“If na so…tell am say bad boys dey fight, burn tire for road, say persin call you.”
“Okay. How much you wan give me?”
“One hundred thousand.”
“Only? My salary go pass like that if you add house rent wey she pay my landlord and hospital wey she give me insurance. I no do again.”
There was an interlude during which the conversation was reduced to mumbling and grunts. Then a hand was extended to shake his.
“Hundred dey that bag. After everything, we go give you another hundred.”
A different voice spoke, “You fit sell the car. We no need am. Na the money we go collect we dey focus.”
Seun took one last look at her reflection in the mirror before picking up her bag and keys. At the door she inspected her one-bedroom apartment with a sweeping glance to check if she had forgotten anything. Satisfied, she made her exit.
The lift took her to the parking lot of her serviced apartment complex. Her red Range Rover glistened with the polish it received that day before.
Monday rushed to her side, genuflecting as he took her laptop bag. “Good morning ma!” He opened her door.
“”Good morning, Monday how is your family?”
“Everybody is fine. We thank God.”
“Please stop at the gate. I have a message for Igwe,” she said as she climbed in.
He shut the door and jogged over to the driver’s side. Her favorite worship instrumental came on as he turned on the ignition. She hummed in tune.
“Ma, make I go call am?” He asked.
She looked out and saw they were already at the office of the estate security chief.
“Don’t bother. He is coming.”
The man in question was walking towards them as she spoke. He was tall, slim and middle-aged but the glint in his eye betrayed his alertness and intellect. Igwe was a retired police detective who now made a living supervising security for the estate Seun lived in. He stopped at her window and greeted her. She unbuckled her seat belt and got out of the car.
“Monday, come here please.”
The man scrambled out of the car and joined them.
“Mr. Igwe. Monday no longer works for me. He has no business in these premises henceforth. Should he ever show up at the gate, you have the right to get him arrested.”
“Yes ma! Very clear ma!”
Monday raised his hands to his head in shock. “Madam…”
“Wetin I do?”
Igwe took up a protective stance by Seun for two reasons: He had to protect his employer from the ire of her now ex-employee, secondly, he was dying to know why she fired him so suddenly. He had known her for a few years and she was neither temperamental nor rash.
Seun turned and faced Monday. “I saw you when you collected N100k to deliver me to kidnappers. There were 2 men named Standard and Oba. You were wearing a red T-shirt and blue jeans. Did they not promise you N100k balance when you bring me to Jubilee way?”
The man felt pee dribble on his legs. “Ma!”
“You hear me every morning praying in the car as you drive me to work. Did you think it was for entertainment? What you have done will cost you your life if you don’t return that money to them. Don’t attempt to abscond.”
By this time Igwe’s mouth was agape as well; “Madam how?” was all he could voice.
“You will not understand.”
Monday sank to his knees pleading for mercy.
“Wetin she talk na true?” Igwe asked him.
“Na satan, I swear!”
Seun ignored them. She took her bag out of the car and fished out a check. “See the N200k you would have sold me for. Use it to relocate your family after you return their money.” She put it into his tear-stained hands and snatched her car keys from him. Before either man could say another word, she got in the driver’s seat and sped off.
“He is a brilliant entrepreneur but I detest his guts!”
“What has he ever done to you?”
“I just get this weird feeling in my tummy when I see him; the same feeling I get when I see snakes.” Seun made a face.
“Are you calling Kojo a snake? Come on! He may have set up a rival company but he did not do anything underhanded,” Nkem said.
“Why are we having a meeting with him again?” Seun asked.
“He requested collaboration for the Chinese deal. It’s the best way to defeat the companies that have foreign backing.”
Seun let out a long hiss. “And why is he running late?”
“Let me call him.”
Nkems’s phone buzzed as she spoke. She looked at the screen and mouthed “It’s him.” Seun rolled her eyes but refrained from making any comment. Nkem was nodding and saying “That’s okay. We’ll wait.”
When she ended the call, Seun almost pounced on her. “We’ll wait? Are you for real?”
“Chill…he had a flat and had to stop a bike. His driver is staying to fix it. He should walk in any moment now.”
“The great Kojo can board okada? Hian!” Seun sucked her teeth.
Nkem could not reply because she spotted him making his way towards them. Seun turned to watch him. He literally filled the room with his tall, slender frame that was, as usual, garbed in white caftan. Every eye turned to drink in his handsome face and confident mien. She hated the fact that he owned the room without even trying.
“Good afternoon ladies. I apologize for being tardy. I am so sorry.” He was standing by Nkem in the upscale restaurant they had chosen, planting a peck on each of the cheeks she presented to him.
Seun stretched out her hand to smash any expectation of her presenting her own cheeks. He shook her hand with a smile.
“Warm as ice as usual.” He chuckled.
“I beg your pardon?” she asked, already tense.
“I said you look lovely as usual,” he amended. He pulled out a chair and signaled a waiter. “Have you ladies ordered?”
“Yes, we have. Can we just get to it?”
Nkem gave her a bad look while he ordered. “I apologize for her attitude, Kojo. I guess it’s the rain that is making everywhere gloomy.”
“Speak for yourself,” Seun muttered under her breath.
“As I was saying,” Nkem went on, “we are very much excited to work on this bid with you. I think our chances improve exponentially if we team up. What do you say? 50:50?”
Kojo smiled over his fork. “I say 70:30.”
“Very good, I’m glad you recognize what we bring to the table. Thirty percent is a fair deal for you,” Seun said.
“I actually expect 70%,” Kojo countered.
Nkem hid her surprise well but Seun had no such compulsion.
“70%! You are a dreamer. Logixx is 5 years older than your company, has far more experience and resources and you…Who do you even think you are?”
“I am Kojo Efemena, son of Abena of Voltic region and Samuel Efemena. My sister is married to the son of the COO of Xiang Technologies.”
“Your sister married a Chinese man?” Nkem asked. “That’s dope.”
“So what if his sister married the emperor? Can we stay on track?”
“He is placing his cards on the table. We bring the manpower, he brings the connections.”
Kojo only smiled.
Seun was incredulous. “Do you mean you are about to let him make us do all the work for 30% only?” she asked.
Nkem shrugged. “Business is not spirituality. I have to be unemotional. We have staff to pay. Kojo, 60:40 and it’s a deal.”
“60:40 is my final offer.”
They held gazes for seconds before he smiled and reached for a handshake. “It’s a deal.”
“Great,” Nkem replied.
He turned to Seun and inclined a brow. “I hope we didn’t lose you there? You know I have the utmost respect for your competence in this area.”
“Oh I am competent in many things…”
“Really?” He smiled flirtatiously. “I can’t wait to find out. Should we ditch Nkem and get a room?”
Nkem rolled her eyes.
“One of the things I am competent in is seeing the future. Don’t sink too much money into that your political ambition. Not only are you going to lose, you will be betrayed by those who promised to support you and possibly discredited.” Seun’s voice was deadly calm, her eyes unblinking.
Kojo rose angrily, almost upsetting the table. “How did you know about my political…I haven’t even bought the form. What the actual…”
Nkem held up a hand apologetically. “Forgive my friend here. She tends to carry on. We’ll take our leave now.” She practically dragged Seun out of her seat and towards the exit, leaving behind a fuming Kojo.
TO BE CONTINUED
Vivian comes home to meet her maid bleeding in her living room.
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Vivian: Is that blood?
Wait…are you bleeding?
Where is the blood coming from?
Vivian: What is going on?
Minkadau, can’t you speak?
Minkadau: Sorry madam.
Vivian: Get up. Let us go to the hospital or something.
Where is the blood coming from?
Are you injured?
Minkadau: Na my period.
The floor has a blood stain.
Look at my rug!
And you are lying there claiming it is your period?
Vivian: Are you pregnant?
Minkadau: No ma!
Vivian: How can a house keeper I employed less than 3 weeks ago cause so much trouble?
Thank God the kids are not home.
Hold on…let me get help.
Minkadau: Ma…no call anybody.
Vivian: What does that mean?
Minkadau: Abeg help me make I go room baff. Na so my period dey heavy.
Vivian: You must be stupid!
What sort of lie is that?
I don’t even know why I am still talking.
Where’s my phone?
Please no call anybody. I don stand up. Make I baff come clean floor before I make food.
Minkadau: Wetin you go chop?
Vivian: Minkadau you can barely stand and you are talking about dinner?
Sit back on the floor!
Minkadau: I fit manage.
Vivian: Wait…Minkadau…the blood is coming from your left side.
Minkadau…you have a wound!
What is going on here?
Minkadau: No be wound ma!
Vivian: Shut up!
What have I got myself into?
Vivian: Who hurt you? Who did this to you?
Minkadau: Na my period…
Vivian: Liar! You’re a liar Minkadau!
You let someone into my home in my absence and it’s obviously a friend of yours judging from your lies.
What did I tell you about letting people in in my absence?
Minkadau: You say make I no open door for persin wey you no know.
Vivian: Why are you covering for him? Who is he? Where is he? Is he still here?
Minkadau: No ma. Nobody dey.
Vivian: Let me call my husband first. This is not a joke at all. Here I was thinking you had an abortion and were trying to hide it…
Minkadau: I no do abortion!
Vivian: Shut it!
You have what looks like a stab wound and you were lying that you are seeing your period!
You are a criminal!
Minkadau: I’m sorry ma!
Vivian: Use that towel to apply pressure so you don’t bleed out. I don’t want somebody’s child to die in my house. Which kain kasala be dis? (pulls out phone and dials)
Vivian: Darling you need to come to the house immediately.
Vivian: Minkadau is bleeding.
Darling: How come?
Vivian: She appears to have been stabbed. Please call the estate security or something.
Darling: Did she call for you to come home?
Vivian: No she didn’t. The truth is I forgot the lunch I packed at home. I could have bought food at the cafeteria but the Holy Ghost asked me to come home and get it. You know how I have been taking these things a bit more serious for a few weeks now.
Darling: Wow! Look how it paid off!
Vivian: You can say that again…
Muscular, tall and dark dangerous-looking man appears in the living room. He wields a knife.
Banda: Drop that phone!
Vivian: Yepa! Who is this?
How did you get in here?
Minkadau: Banda…Abeg na. I tink say you don comot.
Vivian: You know him?
Banda: Shut up!
Banda: This knife for my hand no be play play!
You madam…kneel there.
Vivian: I have knelt but this girl needs to go to the hospital. She is bleeding seriously.
Where you keep the gold?
Vivian: Gold? Is that your problem? Let us get her help and I will give you all the gold you can carry.
Banda: Nobody is going anywhere.
Minkadau: My madam no get gold.
Vivian: Minkadau stop talking. You need to conserve your energy.
Banda: Una tink say na play I come play abi?
Wey all the gold wey I see for all your madam picture wey dey for your phone?
Vivian: Calm down please.
Minkadau: Banda you don search house, room, kitchen join; you no see money, you no see gold.
Wetin you still dey go?
Vivian: Minkadau! Did you see the knife in his hand?
Banda: Una dey mad!
All of una dey mad I swear!
I go wounjure persin!
Minkadau: You no fit!
Vivian: Don’t say another word Minkadau!
Banda: Stand up before I count 3
Estate security: Put that knife down!
For your reading pleasure this public holiday, I am sharing a story that is written as whatsapp conversations. One of the conversations is a group chat. Please read, like, comment and share.
Cashboi: Abeg find me like N500k.
Texpress: N500k? Where I wan get that kain money?
Cashboi: Abeg na. I go pay you. Las…las…in 3 months.
Texpress: Wetin you wan carry the money do?
Cashboi: Wifey don born O! Baby girl!
Texpress: Congrats man! Nice one.
Cashboi: Thank you. The thing be say ground no level right now. Na that ogbono wey I give car sell since last year. E never sell am. I for no disturb you.
Cashboi you owe meN20k. You promised to pay me in 2 weeks. You did not pay. 6 months later you want me to lend you N500k. Don’t you know my salary?
Cashboi: Which N20k? You never forget that money? I think say you don dash me. Guy N20k is beneath you. Don’t be like that. Is it because of chicken change you won’t give me money to bail my wife from the hospital? This is life and death we are talking of.
Texpress: Life and death? I don’t understand. What is the problem? Is there a complication? Which hospital is she in?
What happened is she insisted on having the baby in Canada. I used all the money to process the visa. I even mortgaged my flat screen TV. You know what women are like.
Cashboi: Hello? Are you still there? Tony? Texpress? Guy, no do me like that…
Cashboi: Guy find me like N500k abeg.
Cashboi: Your boy is loyal!
Teju: What do you need N500k for?
Cashboi: My mother-in-law needs a hip replacement surgery. She had a fracture last month. I have spent all I have.
Teju: That’s so sad!
Cashboi: Please help me. You know you’re my G. I’m desperate.
Teju: N500k is a lot of money.
Cashboi: Please. I will return it in 2 months. I have a deal that will soon mature.
Teju: Hmm…What deal is that?
Cashboi: Texpress and I have an investment that will yield in 2 months. You know he has a good head for business.
Teju: Yeah. He is a correct man. It’s been a while I called him.
Cashboi: So do I send my account number?
Teju: You can send it but I need that money in 3 months.
Cashboi: 2 months not 3. Thanks my guy. Trust me.
Teju: What’s up guy?
Texpress: Teju my man. How far?
Teju: You are swimming in money. I should be the one asking you how far. Abeg remember me.
Texpress: Which money? I had a pay cut last month. They laid off half of my department. Madam’s business is struggling. Guy I need money like kilode!
Teju: It can’t be all bad. At least your deal with Cashboi is coming through shortly.
Texpress: Who? Cashboi?
Teju: Yes. He said you guys are doing something together.
Texpress: I hope he did not borrow any money in my name?
Texpress: We are not in business together. He tried to borrow N500k from me; claiming his wife had a baby in Canada. I who can barely fuel his car should send money to Canada?
Texpress: What’s wrong?
Teju: I just sent him N500. He said his MIL needs hip replacement surgery.
Texpress: Na your brain dem suppose replace! Lol!
Teju: Ha! I can’t lose my money O!
Texpress: He will pay you na. Lol!
Abeg you get another spare N500k you are not using?
Scene 4 Group chat
Teju: Guys…get in here!
Efe: What’s up?
Mobi: How far?
Sam: Teju my guy! You remembered us today?
Teju: You remember Cashboi?
Sam: Who is Cashboi?
Teju: His name is Gabriel. He was in our department now. He used to…
Mobi: I know the guy! Dark, kind of big…
Efe: I remember him. Wetin happen?
Teju: He borrowed N500k from me 6 months ago. I have done everything to get the money but he has turned off his phones. I don’t know where he lives. I can’t let that money go. As you see me so my head dey hot!
Sam: Only N500k your head dey hot? Do you know how much money people owe me?
Efe: Na wa!
Mobi: It’s not about the amount. It is the principle of the thing.
Teju: The worst is he seems to have scammed 2 other people I know. If I had asked around I wouldn’t have given him money.
Mobi: Very painful meen!
Efe: How you wan do am? Make we arrange boys ruffle am small?
Mobi: The way to get back at him is to make him feel what he does to other people.
Sam: That’s true.
Efe: Wetin you get for mind?
Teju: Spit it out abeg. I will give N50k to anyone who helps me recover that money.
Efe: See money!
Sam: Sweet money. Lol!
Mobi: It’s a deal
Mobi: My name is Omobola. You remember me from school. I was in Awolowo hall…
Cashboi: Yeah…Mobi! Long time man! How far?
Mobi: I dey.
Cashboi: Wow! It’s been ages. You must be married now?
Mobi: Married bro. A kid on the way. Baby No 2
Cashboi: Sweet! Congrats man!
Mobi: How’s work? I hear you are Dr. Adamu’s guy?
Cashboi: You know my boss? It’s a small world!
Mobi: It really is. His daughter Maimuna is engaged to my wife’s cousin Dapo.
Cashboi: What! That means you will be at the wedding? We need to see.
Mobi: Yes…It’s just that I don’t know if you will still be working for Dr. Adamu by then.
How you go scam Teju?
You know Teju is real. He bailed me out when I was nearly deported from America.
You no get sense?
Cashboi: Scam? No Oh! If na the N500k, I promised him month end.
You know how it is. Things are tight…unexpected expenses…
Mobi: Does Dr. Adamu know that you did not graduate?
Mobi: Your results are forged.
I know you did not graduate because you were rusticated in your final year. Teju and some others may not know because they were ahead of you.
Mobi: I am sending you Teju’s account number. Once he gets the alert he will let me know and your secret will remain safe.
Cashboi: He will get it in 2 days abeg.
Mobi: A pleasure doing business with you.
Hello muses! This story is from my collection of conversation as prose. Remember to leave a comment, share, like and enjoy! Cheers,
Hannatu: Hello. Good evening.
Hannatu: My name is Hannatu.
Hannatu: I know you are wondering how I got your number but what I have to tell you will justify how I got your number.
Amaza: I’m listening
Hannatu: Our exes are getting married.
Hannatu: I have it on good authority that you dated Binta for 6 years.
Hannatu: I heard you both were an item and everyone thought you would get married.
Hannatu: I also heard you have never told anyone why you guys broke up but I know what happened.
Amaza: Who gave you my number?
Hannatu: That is irrelevant. What I want to know is whether you are going to let her waltz into the sunset with my ex-boyfriend after all she did to you.
Amaza: I’m over her.
Hannatu: That’s what you tell yourself but you are not and I have proof.
Hannatu: You have remained single for the 2 years since you broke up. Also you have not as much as gone on 1 date though your friends have tried to set you up on many occasions.
Your family tried to match make you with Senator Adima’s daughter but you flared up angrily.
Finally your social media pages are full of posts about heart-break and not trusting anybody.
Need I say more?
Amaza: Have we met?
Amaza: How did you get all this information?
Hannatu: I do my research.
Amaza: Who is Binta marrying?
Hannatu: My ex-boyfriend. His name is Seun. He is a real estate agent…that’s how they met and that’s why I know what she did to you.
Have you heard the saying ‘Beware of the one your boyfriend says you shouldn’t worry about’?
Hannatu: He told me about a client who confided in him about how she hurt her ex and how she felt bad about it. I remember us shaking our heads. Three months later he tells me he is no longer interested in me. He asks me to move on because he has.
Hannatu: Move on? Is that how people move on?
He was my first.
He promised to love me forever.
I stole from my parents to help him set up his business. He said we would get married once he made enough money but the money was never enough.
Amaza: I’m so sorry.
Hannatu: I hate him!
He can’t treat me like trash and get away with it. No!
Amaza: Is he really getting away with it? Binta is a snake.
Amaza: I don’t know what she told your ex but she couldn’t have given him the full story.
Hannatu: Didn’t she cheat on you?
Amaza: She did?
Hannatu: Didn’t she lie that she was going to study in UAE when she was living with her father’s friend in Abuja?
Hannatu: Also, I know she aborted a baby you begged her to keep and lied that she had a miscarriage.
Hannatu: I ask again. Are you going to fold your hands and watch her have a society wedding that will be broadcast on social media? I can’t watch that happen!
Amaza: What did you have in mind?
Hannatu: Now you’re talking. You’re beginning to see things from my perspective.
People keep waiting for Karma but I chose to be Seun’s karma.
Amaza: I see.
Hannatu: I hear she is something of a freak and has no boundaries when it comes to sex.
Hannatu: Do you happen to have her nudes or a sex video perhaps?
We can blur your face but I know releasing it will destroy their wedding plans.
Seun may be forgiving but his parents are very conservative and he is a mummy’s boy. There’s no way he will go against their wishes.
Amaza: I do have a sex video of us both.
Hannatu: Now you’re talking!
Amaza: I even have something better. Years ago, someone tried to blackmail her with a video of her in a compromising position with a governor. I bought it off him. She thinks I destroyed it.
Hannatu: This is wonderful!
That is what I call 2 for the price of 1!
So how do we do this?
Amaza: Hannatu…I have planned 1000 ways to get back at Binta over the years but now I realize I am the one who should have walked away.
Hannatu: What does that mean?
I hear you met as teenagers. She took your love for granted!
Amaza: She did.
But I should not have told her it was okay to do that.
Love also means self-respect.
Hannatu: What are you saying?
Amaza: For years I plotted my revenge. I wanted to hurt her though I maintained a nonchalant attitude.
Amaza: But leaking that video will not cure me of HIV!
I got my results today. I am HIV-positive.
Amaza: I was faithful to Binta and since we broke up I have remained celibate.
It was persistent fever that forced me to go to the hospital. They confirmed my fears.
Amaza: I have bigger problems at hand than her wedding as you can see.
First I intend to let her know so she and Seun can get tested.
You should also get tested if he was cheating on her with you.
After that I will focus on my health and lifestyle. I know I can beat this!
Hannatu: HIV as in HIV AIDS?
Hannatu: Gaskia…Seun has finished me!
Today I have a story also from my collection of conversations as prose. Do enjoy.
Can’t you speak?
I am on my knees, please.
I need my phone back.
The information in its memory is my whole life.
Rukewe: You’re just breathing on the phone.
What is your name?
Axe: My name na Axe.
Rukewe: You sound very young.
You can’t be more than twelve.
How old are you?
Axe: Me I no know my age.
Rukewe: So why did you steal my phone?
How come you are a thief at this young age?
Axe: Na Sheltox collect your phone.
My work na to make sure say you no look when them wan put hand for your bag.
Axe: Yes ke.
Rukewe: Tell me how you did it.
Axe: You know say na wedding.
Everybody dey rush to enter car outside.
I carry groundnut like say I wan sell am.
Bosco put leg make I fall.
As the groundnut scatter, everybody dey shout: “Eyah…Eyah…”
Na that time Sheltox dem begin collect wetin dey people bag, pocket. Car sef join.
Rukewe: You boys are terrible!
Axe: Thank you Ma!
Rukewe: So how come you have my phone?
Axe: Na my share be that.
Plus the chain wey Bosco obtain for Yaba last night and N3000
Rukewe: Just imagine!
Rukewe: I called because I want my phone back.
How much will it cost?
Na small money O!
Rukewe: How much?
Have you seen N30k before?
Axe: Aunty no vex. Make I off the phone go sell.
I know you are not the architect of your undesirable upbringing.
Rukewe: I mean …it is not your fault that you are in with these hooligans.
Wait…where are your parents?
Why did you end up in a gang?
Axe: Them pursue my mama for house when she carry belle. She born me for street. Na under trailer we live. As I become man I gas hustle. All man for himself!
Axe: Aunty, I like you.
Rukewe: I’ll pay N10k
And that is my final offer.
If I sell am for street e go pass N10k na
Rukewe: The screen is cracked and it is an Iphone 6.
Nobody will pay you N10!
N15K last price.
Axe: Na because I like you.
Your voice dey like my mama own.
How we wan do am?
Rukewe: Tell me where to meet you.
I’ll bring the money.
You bring the phone.
Ruekewe: Axe where are you?
I am standing by the street lamp to the left of the fast food joint.
Axe: Na you wear black?
Axe: I dey come.
Mumsie: Donny my baby
There is a big problem
Mumsie: What’s wrong?
Donny: Rukewe has been kidnapped.
I don’t understand…
Donny: They stole her phone yesterday at a wedding…
Donny: She called the number. Someone answered and agreed to return the phone if she paid N15k.
Mumsie: Go on…
Donny: We were standing where the guy said he would meet us; an open spot.
Before we could say ‘Jack’, a black corolla screeched to a halt.
Three huge guys in masks forced her into the car and sped off!
Mumsie: And you let them take your sister?
Donny: I tried to fight but they hit my head with a rod.
I am on my way to the hospital right now.
Mumsie: Hei! What sort of problem is this?
Sorry my baby.
I hope it is not too deep. Who is there with you? Should you even be talking?
Donny: It’s just a small cut. I’ll be fine.
What is all this? Who did I offend?
Donny: Calm down Mumsie.
I called you so you will expect their call; in case they call to ask for ransom.
Mumsie: Ransom? Don’t they know I am a widow? Do they want to send me to join your dad?
Donny: Don’t say that Mumsie, please.
You are not going anywhere.
I want to call Uncle Isionye so that he can help us do the police runs since I need medical attention.
Mumsie: Send me the address of the hospital.
I am on my way to Lagos.
Donny: You don’t need to bother…
Mumsie: No! I am coming. Send it now!
Axe: Aunty Rukewe good evening.
Rukewe: Who is your aunt?
You deceived me into thinking you are a child with your tiny voice when you are the gang leader.
And to think I felt sorry for you.
Rukewe: You are very wicked.
Axe: But we treated you well.
Has anyone harmed you?
Axe: Anyway, your people have paid.
Count yourself lucky.
My boys were getting restless; 3 days with a fine girl is a lot of temptation.
Axe: Stand up
We are going to drop you where your people can pick you up.
Please be careful how you tie that rope.
Axe: Sorry Aunty
Rukewe: May God have mercy on you.
Rukewe: Please slow down.
Axe: Sorry Aunty!
I’m sorry you’ve had to be blindfolded for 3 days.
Na condition make crayfish bend.
Rukewe: I hope you get out of this life before you come to harm Axe!
Axe: I hope so too Aunty Rukewe; I hope so.
Hello, muses. Thanks for hanging in there. So I have been away because I am working on 2 children’s storybooks due for publishing this year. Y’all know children are the future, right? Great! Now you see why I made them a priority. To feed the adults however, I will put up every week, a story from a collection I did for TNC. They have an app that publishes stories in conversation blocks. These are the ones I reserved for my people (don’t say I never do anything for you. Lol). Please read, comment and share.
I’m not sure who this is…
Ben: My name is Ben
We met yesterday at Ini’s wedding.
Tamara: Ini’s wedding?
Ben: I am the guy you shunned.
I came to your table to say hi to Obot and then turned to chat with you.
You gave me the cold shoulder.
Tamara: I honestly can’t remember.
Ben: As a fine geh na!
I can’t imagine how many guys must have tried to chat you up.
Tamara: Who gave you my number?
Ben: If I tell you I’ld have to kill you.
Tamara: I’ll have to end this conversation.
Ben: No please.
Please give me a minute
You misunderstood my intent yesterday
You don’t intend to promise me the world and lose interest once I let down my guard?
Ben: My goodness no…
Tamara: You don’t intend to fill my head with nonsense…
Ben: Hang on. This is going wrong.
Ben: I heard you are new in the area.
I just wanted to invite you to my church.
My pastor said anybody who brings a soul to church will get a plate of jellof rice and chicken after service.
You know what that means to a bachelor.
Ben: And you rebuffed me…
I had to watch others eating their rice with gusto.
You needed to see me salivating.
You must be funny.
Ben: My friend Tolu actually brought two people from work.
He got two plates of rice and instead of sharing he packaged the 2nd one for his dinner.
Can you believe what he said; “A laborer is worthy of his wages!”
Ben: So what are you doing next Sunday?
Are you too broke to buy yourself food?
Ben: You don’t understand.
That rice is anointed.
I can cook but that jellof is on another level.
You need to taste it.
You will don that green apron a certain church (which shall remain unnamed) wears for evangelism.
Ben: So what’s it gonna be?
You’ll have a great time.
The music, the message and fellowship are awesome.
The rice is just jara.
Tamara: Hmmm…Do I get a plate as well?
Ben: What are you talking about?
You get the lion share!
Text me the directions.
I’ll be there.
Thanks a bunch.
Tamara: What’s the name of the church?
Ben: It’s called Ben-saw-Tamara-at-a-wedding-and-will-do-anything-to-get-her-to-go-on-a-date Christian Assembly.
Ben: Don’t bail on me. I hear your word is your bond.
Ben: We good?
Tamara: Well-played man…well-played!
Ben: Please…I promise to be good.
Tamara: We’re good Ben. Lol. See you on Sunday.
I have been away for longer than I planned I know so instead of an apology I decided to write a short story just to say I love you and thanks for checking in on me.
The rain was not the reason for Nwakaego’s bad mood. She couldn’t blame it on the thunder and lightning. She liked neither but she had tolerated them for years. They were an inevitable part of living in Nigeria; known for high rainfall and unexpected weather changes. What she could not tolerate any longer was being broke constantly.
“I don’t understand,” she said to Bolanle. “I am a giver, I have served as a church worker for years, I have a great job and I try to live on a budget. Why am I always broke?”
“If you find the answer Ego let me know,” Bolanle replied. “The worst thing is this life of celibacy is not helping matters. How can you expect a guy you are not giving ‘honey’ to keep sending you money?”
“My dear it is not even safe. I want my dignity intact.”
“What then do we do about this ‘brokeness’? If we can’t get a grip while single what will happen to us when we get married?”
“Ore…won’t the brother deliver us from hunger?”
“That is true. At least no one will say we are gold diggers. By then we don marry the guy. All our debt is his and all our liabilities as well.”
Both friends laughed. The sour mood was dispelled.
“When they will be chanting ‘all I have I give to you’ their assumption will be all their love.” Ego laughed and slapped her thigh.
“Money is a love language my dear.”
“I tell you!”
Ego was on her way to the gate of the estate they lived in. She and Bolanle usually hitched a ride to work with a colleague who drove a blue Toyota sienna she had inherited from her late parents. Veno was the out-spoken, vivacious and adventurous one of the group. They were staff of Debonair Printing Services where Ego was a graphic artist, Bolanle an accountant and Veno a member of the sales team. Ego and Bolanle who had been friends from the university shared a one bed room flat while Veno lived a street away.
She took out her phone to call Bolanle who was still at home.
“Are you not done? She will soon be here.”
“If she gets there, please delay her. I had to do the number 2.”
“That’s just nasty!”
“Shuo…are you not the one that cooked beans last night? Fi mi le jare!”
“Who begged you to eat? You should have eaten bread. Please make it snappy.”
She ended the call and began to scroll through her instagram page. The picture she put up the night before was getting a lot of likes. Her face beamed in delight.
“Madam good morning O!” one of the security men hailed. “Na you we know O! Remember your boys never chop.”
“Good morning. God bless you.” She deftly ignored his plea for money. It was a game they played every morning and had become somewhat of a ritual.
“Aunty na you wey God wan use bless me na.”
“I know. As He blesses me I will also bless you. The thing is that you don’t wait for him to bless me first. You want me to manufacture the thing from nowhere.”
“No be from nowhere. Na from that your fine bag. As e big so…I know say better go dey.”
Ego laughed despite herself. “Boniface, you need to try your hand at stand-up comedy. You crack me up!”
“Crack ke? Abeg O! Make my fine aunty no crack. Just dey fine as you fine so.”
Ego shook her head and moved a distance away when he got distracted trying to open the gate for another tenant. She waved at the driver absent-minded as her thoughts were on his last statement. Her chocolate brown complexion, oval face and pointed nose may well qualify her to be called pretty but she wished she had Bolanle’s hour glass figure or Veno’s fair skin. She had never liked her figure because she was top heavy. Though she wore clothes that de-emphasized it, it often made her self-conscious.
Just as Veno pulled up, Bolanle showed up at the gate panting with the effort of walking so fast. They exchanged pleasantries and piled in, a mass of handbags, laptop bags, lunch bags and make up bags. They even had a bag for chargers, slippers and other odds and ends. As Veno had once commented, their bags were so many they could fool robbers into thinking they were transporting cash.
“Na die be that O!” she had said. “Because if them search us see say money no dey and the laptop sef na old model dem go just waste us.”
“God forbid!” Bolanle had said.
“We are under the blood biko!”
“Why have we not been able to get Veno to join our church sef? Each time we go to church by bus I wonder if my Christianity is effective at all?” Bolanle was applying her make up in the ladies room.
Ego washed her hands before replying. “Your concern is not for her soul but for the convenience of rides in her car. Sister… attitude check needed.”
“God forgive me.” She leaned forward to check her teeth. “But Ego, how can we win her to Christ when it looks like she is doing better than we are?”
“How is she better than us?” Ego frowned.
“I didn’t say she is better than us but be honest, doesn’t it grate at you that she has a car, makes more money because of sales commissions, has a boo who buys her great stuff and still gets money from sugar daddies about town?”
Ego sighed and crossed her arms. “Last month I had to borrow money from her to buy aso ebi for Oga Ben’s daughter’s wedding. She didn’t say anything but the look she gave me was very loud.”
“See what I was saying? I haven’t paid for that aso ebi O! I am planning to lie that I have a family event on the same day. My debt is getting out of hand.” Bolanle shrugged.
“How much is it?”
“I am afraid to even say it. The vow I made for the orphan project in church cleaned me out last month. I am seriously broke.”
“This is getting out of hand!”Ego cried. “I thought that as we sow into the word of God, he will send people to bless us. All these testimonies of strangers giving people money, getting jobs you never applied for, winning lotteries and so on, are they lies? My own miracle is taking too long.”
“I don’t know what to believe any more. Give…I gave; Sow…I did; Work…I am working…Confess positively…I have been shouting ‘money come’ every day. The thing tire me!”
“Maybe God is testing us?” Ego wondered.
“When will this test end? I can’t remember a time I wasn’t broke and I have been a Christian for 10 years.”
“You sure say we no go dodge church today? That guest pastor that is coming is it not money he is coming to raise?”
“Abi? Let us go home and watch TV. God understands abeg.”
With that, they packed their make-up bags and made for the door.
“Una no dey go church today?” Veno asked as she spotted the pair at the parking lot.
“Maybe some other day: I’m tired.” Ego yawned and stretched to convince her.
“I have work to do at home,” Bolanle added.
Veno snorted. “Una sure say Pastor no go vex? Anyway, I have a date so boo is picking me up. I just came to get my change of clothes.”
“Your guy is nice. He seems to have a lot of time for dates; I mean it’s Wednesday night,” Bolanle remarked.
“He has to be sharp before someone else swoops in!” Veno laughed as she lifted a bag from the back seat. “Do you ladies want to take my car to church? I will be spending the night at his. I can always pick it up tomorrow.”
They shared a glance before chorusing. “Yes of course!”
“Great! Please pray for me to have favor. I intend to ask him for my rent.”
“You will be favored in Jesus name,” Ego prayed.
“He will even double it!” Bolanle added.
“Amen!” Veno shifted her load to her left hand as she handed Ego the key. “By the time I finish with him tonight, he will hand over his ATM card!”
“I trust you!” Bolanle gave her a hi-five. “Take it easy please.”
They watched her strut away bags in tow.
“I know what you are going to say. I feel terrible as well.”
“Let us just go to church and beg God to forgive us. I feel so silly. See how we celebrated the wrong thing just because we needed a ride? This broke state must end today.” Ego slammed her hand on the car. “It is either God tells us what we need to do to make more money or we die there.”
“My dear…I agree with you. Desperate times call for desperate measures.”
The music was moving, the ambience was heavenly, the message was rousing and the fellowship warm but Ego could not stop thinking about the fact that her account was over-drawn and she didn’t even have money to put in the offering basket. She had attended finance seminars and even tried investing in a few deals which had gone sour; it was perplexing why she never had enough at the end of every month.
She turned to see who was calling her. Bolanle was chatting with the head of her department.
“Even accountant is broke…” The voice calling her finally stopped before her and tapped her arm before she snapped out of her reverie.
“Good evening Sister Ego.”
It was Roland. He was in charge of the church’s press.
“Hi.” She let out a breath.
He was tall.
He was handsome.
He was rich.
He was godly.
He was single.
What more did a girl need?
“Hi. I really hoped you would be in church today. How are you?” Roland was saying.
“I’m fine. How are you?”
“I’m doing ok. So my fiancée’s dad is into charity…’
“He’s off the market! Ouch!”
“He sent me a text tonight that someone came to him with a proposal to sponsor a training program for some indigent kids who want to learn corel draw. You were the first name that popped into my mind.”
“Oh! What will it entail?”
“It covers 40 children from each public school in his local government area. I know it is something you have been doing. It’s rather urgent as he has to choose someone to run the program tonight. Could you forward a proposal and curriculum to my email in 30 minutes?”
Ego scratched her head. “I can come up with a proposal but the curriculum will take a few days.”
“Days? This guy is a politician. If you want their money you strike while the iron is hot else they will give it to someone they owe a favor. Besides he told me I had to send it tonight as a favor because I told him you are the best at what you do.”
“Thank you for mentioning my name but please beg him for me. I can take tomorrow off work and get it done.”
“I’ll try but I can’t make promises.”
“Please…beg him for me. I will do an excellent job.”
“Sister Ego, you told me months ago you were praying for a second source of income.”
“Do you mean that since that time you did not actually prepare for the miracle you have been waiting on? Did you register a business name?”
“Did you write a business plan?”
“Where was the money supposed to come from? Are you one of those believers who thinks someone will walk up to them and say ‘God bless you. The Lord ministered unto me that I should sell my car and give you the money because thou art a faithful servant in his vineyard’?” Roland had his arms crossed, gaze fixed on her.
She squirmed. “Is there anything wrong with that?”
“I bet you also believed all the money you have been giving in church will come back to you in multiple folds?”
“Is that not what we are taught…Pressed down, shaken together and running over shall men give into your bosom?” She was defiant.
Roland shook his head, smiling gently. “How does money flow?”
“I wish I knew. I have been working hard hoping for raise to no avail. I wish I could get a better job.” She sucked her teeth.
“No matter what you are paid, if you don’t understand the language of money, the spirit of mammon and kingdom finance, you will always be broke.”
“I learned the hard way so bear with me if I am very direct.” He motioned to a chair.
“Hey people!” Bolanle joined them. “Good evening.”
“Join us. Bro Roland was about to give me a lecture on money.”
“Instead of lecture you can epp us with cash…” Bolanle laughed, half-joking, half-serious.
“What I am giving you is better than cash. It will save you from Pentecostal frustration.”
“Yeah…doing all the things the holy book says without seeing results but being too afraid to complain so that thunder will not fire your head.” Roland rolled his eyes.
The ladies burst into laughter.
“I didn’t know you had a sense of humor,” Bolanle said.
“He must have got it from his fiancée…” Ego cleared her throat with intention.
“Are you engaged?” Bolanle got the message and played along. “A big congratulations!”
“Thank you. I fell very lucky.”
“I can imagine.” Ego swallowed.
“So…what was it you were going to teach us?”
“I’ll be brief. Money flows in the direction of value. The more value you provide, the more money you attract. If you provide value to a few people, you create few channels for money and vice versa.”
“Okay.” Ego nodded.
“It doesn’t matter how much money I am giving away, if I don’t create new channels, there will be no pressed down running over nothing.”
“You will keep giving offering and getting poorer unless you open up more channels.”
“I have a job as a graphic artist,” Ego interjected.
“I am an accountant.”
“Good. It’s good you have a salary so you can use it to fund your ideas. Your present income is a reflection of what value your boss places on your services. But in the spirit realm, your financial worth is a function of the value you place on yourself. And your value increases by how many people you serve.”
“Hmm…” Bolanle murmured.
“What did Jesus say, ‘He who wants to be the greatest must be the servant of all’. Today I asked Ego for a proposal and a curriculum to qualify for an opportunity to make millions but she was not ready.”
“You took me by surprise,” Ego protested.
“That’s it. You should have been expectant. You have seed in the ground. This talent you have should have already been in the market. You should have been training people even if for free but that would have given you a testimonial and you would have a curriculum you could send to me at the snap of your fingers.” He snapped his fingers in emphasis.
Bolanle nodded. “That’s true. I have been thinking of creating a budget app unique to Nigerian shopping patterns but finance has been a challenge.”
“Do you have the idea written? Have you developed a business plan? Who have you approached to sponsor it?”
She bit her lip. “It was just an idea.”
“No it wasn’t. It was a portal opened to you so that you can receive your harvest. Instead of running with it, you have been waiting for miracles…24 hour miracles.” Roland checked his watch. “I actually met my fiancée at a course I took in Lagos Business School. She was the facilitator. Her parents are wealthy but she has carved a niche for herself by building a company from scratch.”
“Rub it in…” Ego pinched Bolanle.
“Ladies I’ve got to run.” He rose. “Put your ideas to work. Serve as many people as you can. From the money you make, save some, give away some, invest some and spend the rest on yourself. Manna has stopped falling.”
“Thanks Roland.” Ego rose and shook his hand.
Bolanle reached for a hug. “I appreciate it.”
He waved as he left.
Ego punched her friend on the shoulder. “You had to get a hug. Didn’t you hear he is engaged?”
“My sis…leave that thing. So that girl wants to take the most eligible bachelor in this church just like that? Make I collect hug na if the full thing no go reach me.” She laughed.
“God will give us our own. Don’t worry,” Ego said.
“Let’s rush home so I can put together the proposal he asked for. Even if I lose this opportunity it won’t happen next time. I need to be ready so the next time an angel shows up I will not be found wanting.”
“Shebi you know say na angel God send so?”
“Yup! I know it alright!”
(P.S. I may not put up something every week but you can always send me an email via email@example.com or on twitter @nenabekee).